Heaven is my Bedroom

I had an epiphany today. I was thinking about my relationship with God this morning. Well, first I was thinking about how we have truly gotten our relationship collectively with God all kinds of confused. We are all connecting to the same energy, the same vibrational frequency–the ENERGY of unconditional love, of grace, of ease, of comfort and bliss. We are connecting to the same energy and naming it different things. And I could talk all day about the spiritual warfare that IS our collective history, where humans have been manipulating and distorting our relationship with God for reasons of control, greed, and personal gain, but that’s not what this story is about. 

This story is about sex. I realized that my spiritual and my sexual awakening journeys have been one and the same. I found my connection to my Godliness within THROUGH sex and sensual exploration. Because sex and meditation/prayer really teach you the same thing= it teaches you to surrender. 

When you are with a divine masculine lover, it teaches you how to lean back, how to rest and RECEIVE him. You learn to trust him to give you pleasure, that you don’t have to TRY, you can just relax and ENJOY every moment of the juicy experience… and when you meditate and connect to Source energy, it teaches you the same. God fills you, he asks you to open for him deeper and deeper.. To stop efforting, to relax, and to TRUST in the divine plan for your life. You learn to lean back, to REST, and to ENJOY the ups and downs of life, TRUSTING that ultimately, the Universe/God has everything working in your favor.

I have so much religious trauma that the word God still causes my body to recoil.. I learned to view God as a judgmental father-figure. An external entity to fear. I learned to be mindful of my every action to be “good” and to avoid the shame I knew came with making a mistake in the “eyes of God.” And honestly, this was always confusing for me because as a very small child, at night in my bed, I would pray and connect with God and I knew his energy to be that of unconditional love and peace. Looking back, I was definitely connecting to Source energy, I just had no idea I was doing it, it was so intuitive, so natural in my innocence of the world.

Then, life got lifey– I went through puberty and started dating. I was cheated on by multiple partners. I was slut shamed by my father. I turned my back on my sensual energy AND I turned my back on God. In college, I didn’t believe in anything spiritual. I leaned into logic, into science, and continually reinforced the shame that I had learned in my younger years. I kept myself small, quiet, and obedient. I stayed out of the way. I kept my head down. 

I graduated, started working as a nurse and immediately got slapped in the face with the realities of our current healthcare system. It was the biggest heartbreak I have ever experienced–but that’s another story. I became depressed, hopeless, and suicidal. At my lowest, I couldn’t look in the mirror without crying, I would wake up more tired than when I went to sleep, drag myself to coffee and then use caffeine to keep me awake all day and weed to go to sleep and do the whole thing over the next day. I was dragging myself through surviving my life, but I was miserable. If I hadn’t had so much love for my then-boyfriend, now-husband and our two pups, I would have had no reason to live. 

Those moments of darkness are always where Divinity finds us. Because we ARE divine.. So when you get that low, when you feel like there is absolutely nothing left and you are completely hopeless, that’s when you finally let it all go. You give up. You stop TRYING. And when you stop all the efforting, you realize you had it all along. That literally EVERYTHING you have ever desired to experience in the world around you, every feeling of adoration, appreciation, of love, connection, of ease and joy and bliss, it is all already available to us within our own body and awareness.

When you strip it all away, all that is left is your divinity. This is your natural state. You are God.

This divine realization came to me one night in the bitter cold 11 degree Michigan weather. I was stretching in the small shed in our backyard that I had set up with my pole and yoga mat. There was a small space heater, but honestly it was cold af. I had started going out there every day after work to dance and do yoga and I had been adding in some meditations here and there to try to quiet my anxious thoughts. I will never forget that night, bundled up in my hoodie and sweatpants, cross legged on the loveseat, hands on my heart, when I realized I hadn’t been letting any of the love IN. 

The FEELING of ALLOWING the love to enter into my heart space. To ALLOW it to feel good, to feel PLEASURABLE in my body.. I hadn’t, until that moment, EVER experienced what that felt like. I realized that I had been looking for the right combination of external circumstances–the right job, the right house, the right partner, the right clothes, the right body type–to make me feel whole and complete and WORTHY of these feelings in my body. 

I realized I didn’t feel worthy of feeling good. 

And suddenly, everything shifted. Now that I knew what it felt like to feel ALIVE, I knew that I needed to devote myself to creating a life that served that feeling. I realized I was worthy of creating a life that excites me, that turns me on, that feels good to live and that I ENJOY. 

I realized I didn’t have to force myself anymore. 

I realized I didn’t have to struggle all the time. 

And I am so very proud to say that I have done just that over the last 3 years (and continue to cultivate it, life is constant evolution). My entire life uprooted and SO MUCH has changed. I learned how to sit with my darkness. I learned how to feel my emotions. I learned how to release the bullshit notions that were conditioned into me but that NEVER BELONGED to me. I learned how to lean into the chaos. I learned how to make LOVE to life and to ALLOW life to make love back to me. I learned how to receive guidance from the Source of Divine that lives within me. 

Okay, back to sex. I am convinced that working with sensual shame–the shame we have all learned to attach to our pleasure—is the key to our collective spiritual awakening. Learning to lean back and receive pleasure from a lover feels exactly the same as resting into the divine guidance of God. Allowing someone to give you sacred pleasure, to fill you up, and to REST and RECEIVE it… is so profoundly healing. Giving to your partner in this way is the greatest gift you could impart. 

Can we shift our perceptions of sex to include it as divine? Can we see the divinity that exists within each of us? 

Imagine how it would feel to call your lover to you right now and {through sex} worship their divinity, their very essence, their very existence… How would it feel to worship that within yourself?

One of my favorite songs “Burn Your Village” by Kiki Rockwell has this part at the end where she chants this German phrase “Der Himmel est mien Zimmer” which translates to “Heaven is my Bedroom.” 

My bedroom is my most sacred place. The energies I create in the name of pleasure are DIVINE. The partners I invite to join me in this creation are also sacred and divine.

My sexual expansion is the same thing as my spiritual expansion.