My Bi/Poly Coming Out Story

It started with a threesome dream.

I woke up PISSED.. I had just had a dream about my husband and I with another woman. I was confused and ANGRY. My first thought was that my then boyfriend, now husband was cheating on me.. I was CONVINCED my intuition was telling on him. I had been cheated on so many times in my past that it was the only lens I knew to view it from at the time. However, the more I sat with it (SO GRATEFUL FOR BREATHWORK AND YOGA OMG).. And the more times I dreamed that dream (which started to be almost every night for over a month)... the more I realized I was TURNED ON by it. I was curious… but still, in my mind, this didn’t mean I was bisexual.. It just meant I was curious about group sex.. 

Growing up, I never even considered that I could be bi. I grew up in the South, going to church, and attending school in the smallest town ever (I graduated with 26 people in my class, for reference). It was never even an option to be gay. And of course, looking back, there were signs.. I always joked that I never got my bi experience in college, I had a group of friends in my early 20s that I would go out to bars with and they would all make out when they were drunk and I would get SO JEALOUS that they didn’t ask me to join in.. and I even used to joke with my husband that he would be my last man and that if things didn’t work out with us, I was switching teams.. STILL, at this point, I wasn’t willing to admit that was what was happening.. I was just curious about a threesome, that’s it… 

Then, I talked to my husband about it. At first, he thought it was a trap.. Then, he thought it was self-sacrifice.. He was convinced I was only entertaining the idea of a threesome for him. It started with “maybe for our 10 year anniversary we could have a threesome with another girl.” But the more we talked about it, the more curious I got about the way I felt about it in my body.. And I realized this is something I WANTED. So why wait 10 years to allow myself to be who I am?

Finally, I spoke the truth.. Hubs and I were in the car, discussing a friend of mine and her husband. She had recently found out her husband had been cheating on her for over 9 months! I said to hubs, “It’s the lying that does it for me. I could care less about the sex, but to have someone lie to me for 9 months would make me physically sick.” 

“Wait,” he asks, “You were serious before about the open relationship? You really wouldn’t mind if I slept with someone else as long as you know about it?” 

“Yes,” I answered. 

“That is more freedom than I ever expected in this lifetime. But if you are just doing this for me.. I don’t need more. I am satisfied with just you and us.”

I smiled and looked at him. I could see his genuine desire to connect with others AND his desire to remain faithful to me. I remember being struck with awe at the love we have cultivated that we were even able to have this conversation. “Babe, it’s not that.” I said. “What’s happening is that I think I might be bisexual and I want to be able to explore that.” And I had decided that I didn’t want to request a freedom for myself that I was unwilling to also give to him. It took MANY months of sitting in the place of, “I desire to give him this freedom, but I am NOT okay with him sleeping with other women.” and sorting through all of the trauma, expectations, and insecurities that were coming up for me to get to a place of genuinely wanting that experience for him. Again, so fucking grateful for breathwork, meditation, and yoga. Also, DANCE. So much of my transmutation has been through dance. Dance always shows me the answers. When I got to the root of my emotion, I asked myself to answer honestly what I desired most out of our relationship. What did I desire the MOST? Did I desire a relationship where we were loyal to each other out of obligation, chose to deny our deepest desires to keep the status quo, and ultimately harbor resentment toward each other (even if only subconsciously) that we didn’t get to experience everything we wanted out of this life? Or did I REALLY desire a relationship, an intimacy, a connection SO SOLID, so STRONG, that I could trust him to step outside of the relationship and fuck and date and even love someone else, and it would mean absolutely nothing about our own connection? And I could fuck and date and love others and it mean absolutely nothing about the way I love and care for him? And the answer was SO clear in my body, even though at the time it was the scariest thing to me, I knew I wanted the latter. I knew I wanted a wild, fully expressed life. I wanted freedom. I wanted it for us both. 

I also realized that without my healing practices, I would have never had this discovery. I grew up pitted against other women for the attention of men. I viewed them as competition. So, once I began to heal those wounds, doing active work to heal the sister wound and the mother wound that exist in all of us, and tuning into my own divine feminine energy and releasing the patriarchal conditioning, I realized that women are fucking beautiful creatures. The feeling that I would interpret previously as jealousy turned out to be attraction.. Can you believe that? For YEARS, for my whole LIFE, I would look at a beautiful woman and feel attraction to her, but because of my programming, I interpreted that attraction as JEALOUSY.. And it made me EVEN MORE  in competition with her! That realization felt like a giant weight lifted. Not only do I get to appreciate the unique beauty of other women, I get to recognize their beauty could NEVER take away from mine. We are all fucking beautiful for real.. 

After MANY more conversations with hubs, we decided to finally put ourselves out there and give it a try. At first, we looked to connect with another woman together and fulfill that dream fantasy. However, it was honestly an exhausting experience and we were catfished many times online by someone claiming to be a bisexual woman interested in being with a couple. Eventually, we decided to date women separately, and even that has been a challenge to navigate. (Dating apps suck!) I am SO lucky to have connected with some amazing women, have been on some great dates, and have had a couple of intimate experiences! (Next post will be about my first time with a woman!!) For those curious, hubs has also met and dated a few women since we have opened up AND enjoyed his first play partner other than me in 9 years! I am still really excited to explore a group dynamic in the bedroom and beyond. Now, both mine and hubs ideal long term scenario is to add another woman to our relationship permanently–although we are staying open to whatever life has in store for us! As I write this, neither of us are currently dating anyone else. However, we are going to our first play party this week.. So you never know! ;)

I’m going to make a whole other post about my queer identity. The past year has been a whirlwind rollercoaster in the absolute best way AND I've dealt with my fair share of bi shame, imposter syndrome, and internalized homophobia. There was SO MUCH to sort through, sit with, and transmute in order to step into this version of myself.

The message that came through during that first dream was this, “in order to get the fullest version of him, you are going to have to share him.” Again–want to emphasize because of my past experiences this was the only lens I could view it from at the time.. What I didn’t expect tho, was to get to meet the fullest version of ME. A version that feels ALIVE, QUEER, and FREE. It’s been a pleasure to get to know her over the last year and I am excited to continue to design my life around her unending pleasure ;)